couldnt get to sleep which is why im writing this 2nd blog of the day, and this blog is dedicated to u and the 4 yrs we have together. memories just kept rushing back and i decide to write it down. we started on the 5th sept 2002. you came in the morning with a bouquet of roses bought at cold storage and asked me down for breakfast. surprise n elated were the only words to describe what i was feeling. we went for breakfast; fishball noodles. i insisted u sit down n i buy for u. when i came back from ordering, u were smiling at me. u said u suddenly felt very xing fu, very happy. u went to school for lessons. we met at jurong pt for movies n dinner in the evening. u din know how to reach for my hands, so you just suddenly grab my hands and said "let's go n see wat movies there r to watch" haha so lame, but sweet. we met almost everyday tt week. we first hugged at woodlands Burger King where we met for breakfast. later tt evening when we were queuing at woodlands interchange waiting for the bus to send me home, u suddenly said "regretted tt we nv kissed" so i reached over n kissed u on ur lips. electrified and a sudden gush of embarrassement. u took me to ur mum's bd dinner tt yr. i rem i was scared from the idea, thinking "what if she doesnt like me? what if she thinks im not good enuff?" you told me " dun worry, what matters is i love you and so will my mum. the ugly gf has gotta meet her jia yong sooner or later." and so i went, n glad tt everything turns out fine. subsequently, i went to ur mum's hse almost every sun, when it was at amk area and when it was moved to sengkang. haha it was a tedious day helping ur shift house when ur move to sengkang. even rem when we were waiting for ur new bed to arrive, i had diarhoea tt day. it was so bad tt i was admitted to ttsh for drip in the end. when i saw ur worries reflected on ur face i couldnt be more heart-pained, cursing my weak body for it, and silently swearing to do anything to improve it. so when we joined wbg and i did my detoxification, u were my main motivation. i wanted to lose weight n improve my health. i went on for a week thou it was pretty tough when the recovery symptons kicked in on the 3rd-4th day. it wasnt easy to lose over 10kg in 1 week. the flowers u made for me, the creative mp3 u bought for me, the psp, the watch, are all still lying in my precious possession. i have a tendency to lose things, but i made it a point to nv lose the things u give me, i'd rather lose everything else but these. many an occasion, we spent the night outside and every single one of them serves a wonderful memory. the times you held me in ur arms to sleep, the times we both tickled each other, the times we cooked (the salmon u were so proud of cooking), the times we laughed at each other over our silly mistakes, the anniversaries we celebrated every yr, the time i insisted in changing ur hairstyle n u were quite reluctant over it, the time we went kukup (the 1st n only time we managed to go out of sg thou i tried vey hard to persuade u to take a holiday with me n u refused, and when i tot finally we can take a trip overseas and spend some quality time together cox of ur vouchers tt u won in dnd, there was no more chance), the times u sent me home after our date which later on in our relationship stopped altogether (since when did i blame u for tt?) the 1st year was a sweet year for us. we nv quarelled we nv had disagreements. since when was it we had our first argument? and over what? but everything seems alright after awhile. i din realise when was it tt my love for u started to strangle u. since when did my negative pts tt u have acknowledged over the yrs become so much of a problem tt u cant live with it anymore, that i've taken away ur life? my inferiority and insecurity tt u have kept in control for 4 yrs arised not out of nowhere. try as i might i cant suppress it, and honestly speaking, u din really helped much in suppressing after causing it. i've nv blamed u for doing it cox i know no cats ever resist fish, esp fish tt offers themselves to ur doorstep, so there's nothing to forgive. but i cannot forget. i cannot forget tt such a thing ever happened and tt there's the possibility of it happening again. probably when u first started working, tt's when all problems start to arise. we start to drift apart, in terms of priority, commitment, etc. while my priority was u and nv changed, ur work took my place. when i asked "how's ur work" it was an attempt to understand ur work and for u to let me know what u r currently into since we nv had any chance to meet during weekdays. honestly, i was hurt when u told me tonight what u were gg thru the last 2 weeks in ur work. cox u din mention a word of it when i asked u. yah i dun expect u to come crying to me, but if u had really loved me and wanted me to share ur life, you would at least have revealed a little, instead of letting me guess what's gg on and allowing my thoughts to stray. u din. u left me with a train of regrets with tonight's "chat". i cried, cox i realised i was possibly the main one who caused our r/s to end up this way and maybe if i had been another person with a different character, things wouldnt have ended this way. i cried cox i still love you and regrets filled me. im putting behind my regrets. i cant undo things. what you said might be true and definitely how u feel, but i also know i need to climb up the well tt u pushed me further in with tonight's talk. i might nv recover and left with a deeper scar, but i will move on. maybe someday our paths will cross again or maybe, never. whatever it might be, i knew i did put in my best efforts into our r/s, be it whether u recognize it or not. when i ran through all our photos, i tot of all those happy memories we had, where have they gone to in ur memory? have you alrdy washed them away? if you still rem tt one thing tt i promised u on the night we broke up in the room, i still keep by it, forever.
Kisses XOXO Monday, April 9, 2007
